disgusting.....
2003-05-27, 2:34 p.m.

i am .. ashamed. sad. this weekend i had alot of time to reflect on the events of my birthday and i feel disgusted and saddened. it is my particular belief that we are authorized to judge only ourselves, to pass judgment only on our actions. and that is all. therefore i feel that it is fine for me to pass judgment on myself and say that i am sad and terribly dissapointed with the way i carried on this past friday.

"seeing you this way makes me feel better about myself"

what exaclty does that mean. i heard it alot from many people. what does that mean...i'll tell you what it means. it means that people thought of me in a certain way. had an image in their head when they thought of me, of the being that is Anna. and in one single night i destroyed that image. completely.

i have always been able to take care of myself and that night for the first time in my life i was incapable of caring for and thinking for myself. and that bothers me.

not only that but it's not exactly a heartening feeling to think of everyone lined up in a row to watch the mormon get drunk. to realize that i was the source of everyones amusement that night makes me feel really bad about myself.

don't get me wrong. it was nice to see everyone and spend time hanging out, i just wish my actions had consisted of something a little less...stupid.

i think whats most upsetting is that friday night i became everything i have always disliked. i became a slobering, sloppy, naive, immature, 16-like, frat going, freshmen college girl. (no offence to anyone who is all of those things).

i hope i havn't made anyone upset or offended them. let me remind those (if anyone) who read this that i am simply judging myself. i have always tried to be non-judgemental about others, i don't beleive i have a right to pass judgment on anyone but myself. i hope that is clear in this entry. once again, an entry i'll probably delete. but oh well. i don't imagine anyone really reads this anymore anyway. yeah... ok, off to find a job. and ... yeah. sorry to everyone who had to witness me in the condition i was in. lata'

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